PART 1 - Return of the Monk.

Relax there are only twenty parts to this, so it wont take too long to
read.

Anyways, there I was, Up Against the Thorns, applying all sorts of
elixirs and vials and smoking all sorts of junk. All I could hear was
people screaming in pain, angry war cries and souls dying in agony. I
could smell blood, bile, rotting , burning , and melting flesh and,
oddly, the faint scent of lavender (a cheap, perfume that attached
itself to me after I met some prostitute in Aalen Forest.) Even scents
find me attractive these days.

It was the largest Free-For-All in all history. All the best warriors in
the realm fighting to become champion.

Zyunis voice boomed across the arena, "Only eight combatants left!"

I immediately went into Dragon stance, basically because I liked the way
my muscles formed when I tensed up my legs. I distracted myself from
myself to run a quick fullsense. Xon was approaching.

A Raven suddenly flapped in, followed by a surprisingly beautiful
butterfly. Then this insane lemming darted out of nowhere and started
humping my leg. Poor thing, cant really blame it. Then Saige came in but
it was actually a saucy, little fox on closer inspection. Then Xon came
in but I wasnt too sure at first because the pitiful creature had the
mannerisms of a grumpy badger.

"Sayber?"
"Yes Xon?"
"You have never beaten me and you never will, prepare to die monk."
"I see you found some friends finally."

In a fit of anger he tried to trip me with his spear, but I blocked him
and threw him to the ground and in lightning lizard reflexes I broke his
fragile spine. In his dying breath he said something like murf or nurph,
but couldnt really get it.

Xon has been slain by the might of The Chamber God.

Zyunis voice boomed across the arena, "Only seven combatants left!"

I dusted myself off. That was too easy. Then I ran a quick full sense
and saw that both Strung and Daskalos were approaching.

"Hrm?"

I shielded again and flipped into scorpion stance, because I liked the
way my muscles tensed in my arm motion. I hardly saw Strung enter had it
not been for his Ghast, but then I noticed the Ghast was actually
Daskalos and I started to panic.

"You lads teaming?"
"Aye." They said in unison.
"Darkness and light together?"
"Yep."
"Merely to defeat the power of my sex appeal? Gods I have under
estimated myself, Okay bring it."
"How should we kill Dask my boy?"

I raised an eyebrow.

"You drain I absolve."
"No, you drain, I annihilate."
"It would be faster if I absolve."
"Yeah but it would look better if I annihilate."

At that stage I really needed to pee, the Free-For-All had been going on
for almost a day. So I left them arguing in the room, did my business
and came back. When I entered the room they had all but killed
themselves. So I did some mind-crushing and kai choking.

Strung has been slain by the might of The Pillow Lord.
Daskalos has been slain by the might of The Lord That Lurks Within The
Sheets.

Zyunis voice boomed across the arena, Only five combatants left! The
monk is looking good"

"Doesnt he always?" I said to myself.

There was no way I could win this, it was top fighters left now.
Borscin, Xarian, Xzato and Exodus. So I flipped into horse stance
because I though I would just horse around and make my death less
painful. Added to the fact that my buttocks goes rigidly hard in horse
stance.

Suddenly the grounds started heaving, crystal shards shot out of the
ground, tremors vibrated my senses, water gushed in, and high pitched
kerning rang in my head. Xarian walked in, with, and identical twin
brother. Xarian was extremely intimidating and he just reeked of
darkness and death. I tried not to show my fear but it came out in a
tiny fart noise.

"Sayber, give me my Nooky Grook, Book, back."
"Only if you give me Trollboy 74 ed, back."
"Never that one has the centerfold of Clio!"

I quickly vomited.

"Well, then, prepare to get your freak on!"

I pretended to run away. I had built up so much kai from Strung and
Daskalos fighting that when he tried to storm hammer me he splattered
across the ceiling instead.

Xarian has been slain by the might of The Lord of Loins.

Zyunis voice boomed across the arena, What the f.?"

Borscin has been slain by the might of Xzato.

"I wish I could have seen that one."

Zyunis voice boomed across the arena, Three combatants left."

I cleaned myself off. There was no way in the underworld I could ever
stand a chance beating either one of these lads.

Zyunis voice boomed across the arena, Well it looks like the monk will
be roasted soon so, two combatants left."

I must have waited for half a day and then.

Xzato has been slain by the might of Exodus.

My fate was sealed, so I waited to take my death like a man. Exodus took
him time. I tried to get all my pipes organized, checked to see if my
tree tattoo was still operational and cleared my mind to actually focus
on focus and not myself. Exodus afflicted like a plagued prostitute from
Pestilence valley just south of Poxburg

Then he came in.

I axe kicked his head off, because it was so big it was impossible to
parry.

Exodus has been slain by the might of Sass God.

Zyunis voice boomed across the arena, Um"
Zyunis voice boomed across the arena, Oh yes"
Zyunis voice boomed across the arena, The monk wins."

Sayber Saerac stands triumphant in the Fields of Valor. Congratulations
he is the new champion of the realm. Everyone was chanting my name,
there was confetti everywhere and a gold belt was wrapped around my
waist. Then Miss Aetolia ran up to me and started licking my face.

"Sayber."
"Sayber?"
"Say BER?"
"SAYBER!!!"

I woke up in a pool of puke, urine and a small humgii was licking my
face. Then Razor started kicking me in the crotch.

"Wake up!"
"Oh man you could never imagine the most amazing dream I just had."
"Sayber, I do not want to hear about your monk dellusions, we have work
to do."
"What work?"
"Time for you to become...."

Scroll on next month for Part !!

Death of the Monk

Penned by my hand on the 14th of Lleian, in the year 188 MA.