This is a very difficult post for me to write, as it pertains to very
very personal and important matters to me that cause me great pain to
put into writing in front of an ignorant world, but there are things I
need to account for, and things I need to explain.

As I said, this is very very personal to me, and it's a very raw area.
Thus, if you are someone who is going to post some insulting response,
please stop reading now, and if you think it'll be funny to mock me over
this post, don't. I will not make veiled or overt threats of violence, I
will simply leave it at this: DON'T.

Many of you know that I am, or was, as a monk named Rolan Ariano,
happily married to Gwaine Siltasar for many many decades. Less of you
know that Gwaine decided to wander in uncharted and unknown lands, where
I could not follow. I would have, given the option, but it was an
opportunity granted to her specifically.

This was very hard on my frail mortal body, and I despaired, and
suffered without the other half of my soul. Finally, the mortal Rolan
Ariano died, heartbroken and suffering over missing his beloved for so
many years. The Consanguine Arch Duke Rolan Tristesse rose from his
corpse, determined to not let his legacy of worldly deeds end in torpor
and death.

But still, I missed my wife, and seeked out a way to check on her, to
see how she was doing in the far off lands. And I found one, a elixir
spoken of in rare legends, that could show you a vision of the person
that you had united your soul with, hidden away from mortal knowledge
for decades. I hunted for days and weeks, seeking leads, finding dead
ends, eventually, finding what I seeked.

And so, one day, in front of an audience of Spireans, including my Sire,
Grand Duchess Auvira Tristesse and her other Childe, Violetta, I gave
the elixir the final ingredient, a single tear from my eye, and quaffed
the potion. I don't think anyone, especially me, was prepared for the
results.

I did indeed see my beloved. I saw her, resting under a tree I had never
seen before in a land unknown to my eyes. I was so overjoyed, I could
barely speak. Then, I realized she was resting because she had been
badly wounded. And as I watched, my beloved died in front of my very
eyes, alone in an unfamiliar land.

I was infuriated, beyond any civility, and I wanted revenge. More than
revenge, I wanted bloodshed on grand scales, I wanted to kill everyone
that hurt her, their friends and families, and tear apart their entire
civilization with my bare hands and laugh as the blood ran and the fires
burned around everything they knew and loved. And that would, of course,
only be for starters.

Fortunately, my Sire acted to contain my rage and blocked me in a room
with her. And there, we had another vision, this time of Gwaine's ghost.
I will not share here all that was said, but suffice it to say, she bid
me to move on with my life as her last request to me. When her spirit
disappeared, my mind, for lack of a better word, broke. I escaped to my
coffin, where I dimly remember screaming in rage in the quiet confines,
both vocally and inside my own head. I finally rose and began seeking an
outlet to sake my thirst for bloodshed. I probably would have murdered
the first person I came across, regardless of who it was. Fortunately,
Auvira continued to think quickly and locked me in a more secluded
place, Lady Niuri's temple, and forced me by power of the blood to hand
over my key to the door. Enraged, I threw her aside and...

Here, my memory is not intact. Auvira related to me the events that
occured, but I have no memory of them. I tried to batter down the door
with my fists, and when that failed, tried to do so with my head. The
door won. Auvira told me I nearly shattered my skull in the attempt, and
only her forcing me to use my blood to mend probably prevented further
damage to my mind.

I barely remember her telling me that she was going to leave me in the
room to cool off, and leaving, locking the bloodstained door behind her.
The next month, I again have few memories. Most of my memory consists of
many many attempts at trying to mend the pain that radiated through me
with no success. It seems the ability to mend damage only heals physical
wounds. I also remember being tortured by continued visions of Gwaine's
death, and clawing at my own eyes to stop them with no success. I was
mad, insane, delirous, call it what you will. I remember begging Lady
Niuri, Lord Varian, anyone, to destroy me, let me die so I can see her
again, with no response.

She then returned to find me depleted of blood and crippled with
weakness. She fed me, talked to me, cleaned both myself and the door of
the blood I had spilled, and slowly brought me out of my broken state of
mind. Some of the healing occured over the previous month alone,
acceptance of the truth being the most important.

Finally, the time came to follow the last request of Gwaine. I severed
the bond of unity we had forged, even though it still felt like a
betrayal of the oath I swore to her. She wanted me to move on, and so I
shall, though I suppose, in it's own twisted humor, that this truly does
meet the conditions of "tell death do us part" on both our parts. So, I
looked upon where her grove is in the Ithmia from my vantage point in
the tower and tried to give her a decent eulogy, though nobody heard it
save me and Auvira.

I loved Gwaine, both as a monk and a Consanguine, as improper as it may
sound for a member of the Blood to say so. I don't care. She was worthy
of love, and I will always give that love to her.

There are many of you who will not believe this tale, that I saw her die
with my own eyes. Part of me both hopes and fears that it's not really
true, hope because I still don't want to believe that she's gone, and
fear for two reasons, that she would reject what I have become, and that
she will hate me for severing the bond we had for so long. But, I must
believe what I saw and heard, and Gwaine's spirit told me to move on and
become strong and happy for her, and I will.

For those of you that read this entire account, I thank you. It is a
long and terrible story, but it is important that people read it,
because this MATTERS. This is probably the most important post I have
ever written, because it is, beyond all else, not about me telling why I
have been out of reach for two months, but about Gwaine, a wonderful,
smart, beautiful, and above all else, kind Druid that loved me, at the
time, just a fool of a city boy monk, maybe even more than she loved
Nature. And it's about love, and what losing that love can do to a man
that claimed he feared nothing in the world. I know better now. If any
of you have someone you love, truly love with all your body, mind,
heart, and soul, be afraid, because someday you could lose them. And
spend every moment you can with them, because you never know when it'll
be over and you'll find yourself suddenly, terribly, alone in the world.

I can think of no better end than this:

Rest in peace, Gwaine Siltasar-Ariano. You were loved, and you will be
missed.

Yours in honor and grieving,
Arch Duke Rolan Tristesse

Penned by my hand on the 25th of Khepary, in the year 181 MA.