Alright this issue has been fraught with by controversial debate. So let
us try to be mature about this folks. It is time to educate you in a
proper and formal manner. I am sick and tired with the immature and
risqu attitudes towards this beautiful and special act.

What is sex?
Many people wouldn't have a single clue. I will not name any names by
Spiegel comes to mind as one of these people. This is the main reason I
am writing this scroll. I want to take that fog of ignorance away from
your eyes people. Sex is not something taboo. Sex is not a topic to be
ashamed about. Sex is not something naughty or dirty. Although there
have been many cases where people try a little hanky-panky, food, mud
and some spanky, spanky (this is not Daskalos by the way).

As you all know Ashtan has no patron and the city has named me their
'unofficial' God. The God of the Bedroom. Could you think of a better
way of having the subject of sex told to you by non other than the Lord
of it himself? No? Good, so shut up and read.

Sex is not something I came across by chance. Although I do have an
extraordinary talent for the activity I must let you know it is
something I have been studying for several decades. Sex is intriguing to
me and utterly fascinating, and as we live in this melting-pot world
with different races, cultures and beliefs I feel it is my duty to teach
you the ideal procedures to adopt before under taking this blissful
union. I am a telepath and as a monk, one is gifted with many skills
that allow one to voyeuristically observe other people. I am not ashamed
to confess that I am a pervert and have overseen many, many people,
doing this activity. Listed below are my conclusive findings, so take
heed people.

Sex is good, sex is nice, but with a Horkval, sex is death.
Do you ever see Clio with a mate?
No. This is not due to the fact that she is the most horrific thing you
have seen since the Underking. This is because the Horkvali have an odd
sexual behavior. The male Horkvali is much smaller than the female and
has an incredibly smaller grasp on its brain capacity. Look at Searoth
for instance or Moot for that matter. Sadly these people will not be
with us for much longer. Because in Horkval society the female is the
superior and it is very much a matriarchal society. The male does all
the cleaning and cooking, whilst the female sits on her abdomen all day
drinking mead and watching arena spars. Now here is the tricky part,
when and if the female actually chooses to have sex, she traps the male,
beats him up and after a process of vicious domineering abuse, the
female Horkval slices off the males head off with her razor sharp
mandibles. It truly is brutal.

Sex is good, sex is nice, but with a Ralamala, sex is simply not worth
it.
I always thought Rajamalas were rather kinky. I always thought they were
cute and fluffly (Except for Xon of course). I respected the fact that
Rajamalan men can lick their own crotches. I even respected the way
female Rajamala can scratch their ears with her own back legs. I can
even understand the way they refuse to let their tails hangover their
own bottoms, preferring to attract their mates by revealing, what is the
most horrific sight in all of Sapience. I have also noticed that this
area of the Rajamala is the only area that they refuse to clean, but
this is probably because they clean themselves with their own tongues.
The male has to do the 'hunting' in this symbolic relationship. The
female flutters her eyelashes and preens herself all day. Whilst the
male will sit outside the female's house and wails in an intolerable,
droning meow, for hours and mostly at night too. This is to express his
burning desire towards his potential mate. The female will ignore him
for days and instead she will flirt with other males to makes the male
wail louder at night. But, eventually the female will give into the poor
male's persistence and grant him sex. Now, I have timed this act with
Rajamala and I still struggle to actually see contact. It is so quick
that if you blink you will miss it. Afterwards the female tends to slash
the male's face a couple of times. The male will then retreat into the
sun and sleep for a very long time.

Sex is good, sex is nice, but with a Dwarf, sex is confusing.
Which is the female?
I am still trying to get Koron to convince me he/she is male. I have met
Dwarf women that can out drink me, out fight me, burp longer and fart
longer than me. They say female dwarves are known to have beards. This
is a complete and utter fallacy. However, that is not my problem.
Weather they shave or not the woman still look and behave like men. Now
unlike the Horkval and Rajamalan acts, dwarves rely on a lot of physical
contact, mainly because they are small, stout and stubby in stature and
finding the necessary bits it takes tremendous effort. Gruesome. So if
you find yourself attracted to a dwarf be aware of their, wait for it,
short comings.

Sex is good, sex is nice, but with a Grook, sex is beautiful.
The most magnificent sex act I have ever witnessed, it is highly
arousing and I struggled to keep my wits. It is done almost completely
in water. To attract a female, the male Grook will go the water, find
himself a water lily, perch himself on it and start his mating call.
Now, unlike the Raja, the Grook mating call is magnificent. The male
burps whilst purposely closing his mouth. This forces the throat to
expand and bulge out in an attractive display of skill. He will then
swallow the air and repeat the process several times. The female is so
turned on by this that she cannot help but start squirting eggs all over
the show. The male then hops over to the eggs and fertilizes them. No
contact no kissing, nothing, a truly majestic act.

Sex is good, sex is nice, but sex with a Troll is complex.
Troll male sees female Troll. Troll male gets club. Troll male hits
female over the head. Troll male drags female to his cave.
Sex is good, sex is nice, but sex with an Atavian is stupid.
Many of the Atavian males, willl spend many days perched on a building
in a row looking for a female to flutter by. When one does they all draw
straws. The one that wins flies down to her and starts flapping his
wings and dancing like a cretin with muscle contractions. The male then
struts around her and fluffs out his chest and tells her how amazing he
is in loud, skwaking coos. The males on the above building, tree or
cliff will cheer on the male, to big him up. If the female is impressed
with the dance, she will lay an egg.

Sex is good, sex is nice, but sex with a Tso'laa, sex is long.
Sex between Tso'laa is a very, very rare act. I am still studying this
race very hard and I have been in the Aalen for many months now with my
team of biologists. Whilst the female of this species is rather
attractive and magnificent, the male is rather limp and frail. And,
rather like the dwarves, it is very hard to determine the difference
between then two sexes. I often get confused as to which is Clearwater
and which is Lothorien, and they are in my own guild How bad is that?
Puberty ends at roughly one hundred years old for the Tso'laa, the
females only start developing their bodies properly at around about one
hundred and sixty years old. The male is only sexually mature at two
hundred years old, and he finally stops thinking that girls are 'icky'
or 'gross'. The male will finally understand if he likes a girl after a
decade of deciding. The female will take twenty more years to determine
this. The male will then 'hang out" with the female for a couple of
years. At roughly about three hundred years old the Tso'laa will
actually 'hold hands' for the first time. A further twenty years down
the line they will attempt a 'kiss'. Ten years later, they will move
into a tree house together. This is a crucial time in their lives
because sometimes the female is suddenly accustomed to his livelihood
and has been know to dump him. Finally when they are four hundred years
old they will perform the sexual act. I have been spying on this one
couple and I will let you know how this is actually performedGods, it's
been five months since they entered the bedroom.

Sex is good, sex is nice, but sex with a Mhun is great but utterly
useless.
As you know Mhun fornicate like rabbits. They can't help it. Imagine
being stuck in a mine all day, chipping away a rock and having a hundred
people come in and try kill you all day? The Mhun bodyguards don't do
anything but get drunk, so life is pretty hopeless for them. So yes, you
would only look forward to a nice drink at the tavern later in the hope
of meeting nice mhun lass. However if you are interested in a Mhun, you
must understand that raising a family is virtually impossible. The
average life span of a mhun is 14 years.

Sex is good, sex is nice, but sex with an Imp, sex is easy.
A remarkable race really. Regarded by many as the most stunning race on
Sapience. They never wear any clothes, they have wart-flesh, they pick
their noses and eat the mucus they find hidden in their sinuses, they
have enormous big black eyes, massive tummies and a rear which can only
be described as baboon-like. Truly breath taking. The men are even more
attractive believe it or not.

As you well know imps like to hang out in groups and roam the land as
one happy nomadic community. However there is one leader, this is the
chief. He is normally the fattest and generally smells the worst. He is
the only male that is allowed to have sex. He has a large choice of
suitors to choose from. If he is interested in a female he will run up
near her and start rubbing his rear on a rock. She will then know he
likes her. He will then bark loudly and show her his massive tusks. She
will be very impressed. The male will then randomly pick a puny male
from the tribe and beat the poor sod senseless. This will turn her on.
He will then turn his back on her bend over and show her his massive
rear. He will then take her to his hut and mate. The next day he will
move onto some other lucky lass.

Sex is good, sex is nice, but sex with a Xoran, sex is the best.
Well being one myself, I can tell you, it is the greatest. Why?
No saliva.
No physical contact.
No probing or insertions.
No kissing.
The female just lays the egg and I go fertilize it. Could you think of
anything more practical? Aside from maiming Ruud horribly?

Sex is good, sex is nice, but sex with a kelki, sex is slippery.
Firstly, you need a lot of pear. The reason you don't see many kelki
around is because many of them drown during sex. The female attracts the
male by blowing kisses in the water. However the Kelki has a memory of
approximately seven moments so she sometimes forgets what she is doing.
If not, she blows enormous bubbles and swims around them. Female kelki
are very good with their mouths but terrible with their hands manly
because they are webbed. Nevertheless the kelki female is an exquisite
sight and the male can to nothing to resist. The have intercourse, but
it is the most fascinating thing to watch because they find it
impossible to grip onto each otherbut eventually, before they both drown
the female lays about seven million eggs and the male has the poor task
of fertilizes them all. Unfortunately many people find Kelki eggs a
delicacy and many get eaten by Enorian aristocrats like Deneen. Thus
Kelki are on the indangoured species list.

Sex is good, sex is nice, but sex with a human, sex is crude.
I really do not want to get into this because it is the most disgusting
practice of sex I have ever witnessed. Dodging the details I will tell
you briefly the specifics. The female is clever the deffinately the
superior. So she attracts with male with powerful spells. I still can't
defend myself by most of these spells but anyway, when you see a human
female twirling her hair, fluttering her eyelashes or coyly laughing at
something stupid..eat bayberry QUICK. This is how she traps the pitiful
male. Then, in short she kisses his lips. I know you are probably
vomiting now, but it gets worse. She then plays with his ears and
inserts her tongue into the stupid male's mouth. He then places his
hands on her chest and makes circular motions and moans a lot.I don't
know if I can go on. Let me just get a quick drink.

Okay great. The female then grabs the male's rear buttocks and pulls him
close. They exchange saliva and the male tries desperately to massage
the female's throat with his tongue because she is moaning from what can
only be imagined as pain. They then remove their clothing and display to
each other the most horrific display of genitalia.
Hang on.I need another drink.

Okay, all you can see is exposed bits, round flabby organs and
hair.there is a lot more hair on the human, believe it or not. Then it
is pretty much boring. They sweat on each other, scream and shout for
Varian to aid them, because they are in the process of dying. After it
is all done the male needs to smoke elm, due to the hell sight-like
afflictions he has gained.
So...
I hope I have provided you with enough knowledge so you can continue
trying to join my order. I get essence from people who fool around so
don't be scared of 'sex' anymore people. On entrance to my order you
will receive a thong made completely from leopard fur. You will be
titled a Seeker of the Bed. So contact one of my priests for further
information because I am off to Ulangi for a few years to study the
Albino Pygmies.
So come one, come all.
Cough...

Penned by my hand on the 21st of Lleian, in the year 166 MA.