A gift for an Angel

Now you must all understand I never travel to Ashtan. It is one of the
cities I avoid the most. On this last occasion I was forced to by
desperation. It was Saige's birthday and I really wanted to purchase her
an interesting gift. Flowers, candied sweets and exotic foods were
getting boring. In Shallam you will find only herbs, weapons and if,
you're lucky, a whirlwind of Slyphe. I traveled to Spinesreach but you
are more likely to find an ogre in Dun after Ishuri is bashing than the
chances of finding something interesting in that dark city. Every time I
enter Bloodloch I find myself getting attacked by myrmidons, revenants
and skeletal guards for some strange reason. For goodness sake why can't
they clean the place up? There are dung beetles crawling all over the
place. Ashtan is a city of ill repute and apparently has the infamous
reputation of supporting the realm's largest red torch district.

The Saer'ac midnight feast was in a week and I had still not bought a
gift for Saige. The banquet at the castle only happened once a year and
it was a chance for the whole family to bond and unite. Everyone would
be there. Razor at the head of the table with Lord Serram and his wife
Lady Elinja next to him. Ishuri would need a whole table to himself in
his gigantic new form. Lothorius and Askira, and the gorgeous Saige
would make up the drudic contingent. Then they would pull up a baby
chair for me to sit by myself, I tend to get out of hand at these
functions and start throwing food at myself. I suppose Chrono would make
a surprising entrance, we have not seen him in years. The last banquet
we found him in the fish tank passed out from too much alcohol. All the
third generation Saer'ac would be there too Daedloth, Trombor, Damarus,
Synx, Argent and Zennafein. All special invited guests or friends of the
family would be there in force. I suppose I would invite Zahmekoses too,
we need something to throw the scraps to after our meal. Nevertheless it
was going to be a huge function and it was a chance to exchange gifts
and have a great festive time.

I needed to find something naughty.

Ashtan is ghastly in every sense of the word. It rains all the time. The
buildings are older than my grandmother's great grandmother. Who is
still alive to this day might I add, but we will not invite her because
she starts drooling on herself and makes incredibly embarrassing sounds
at the dinner table. Ashtan is incredibly dark and dank. You have the
darkest birds flapping all over the place squawking at you and trying to
wrench your eyeballs out. If that was not enough to turn you off, there
is a massive statue right in the middle of the place that is covered
with Atavian crap. However I was determined and I was going to get Saige
the most interesting gift I could find.

It was a darker night than usual, but there were torches on each side of
the street. I managed to walk through the gate to the main central
market area. The inns seemed particularly loud and rowdy but I was
focused on my goal. It was a rather unnerving situation, every corner I
turned round I saw dark figures creeping the shadows. Whenever I called
out and asked who was there it turned out to be some beggar. I am a kind
soul and I gave a gold piece here and there.

"Please sir!" One small beggar with a dirty face asked. "Can I have some
more?"
"No!" I said back. "I am in need of all the money I have young lad, I
cannot afford to give it away willy nilly!"
"Okay then!" He smiled at me and danced off into the shadows. "You've
got to pick a pocket or two!"

Sure enough the beggar robbed me blind. Never letting anyone pull the
sheep over my eyes I caught up to him and beat the sense out of him,
leaving him all twisted up in the sewers. Just as I was about to walk
away a very large drunk man came crashing through a tavern window right
at my feet. He was severely wounded and I ask if I could help him and he
politely vomited on my shoes.

"Charming!" I sarcastically spat back at him.
"Bah!" Clearly this man was inebriated beyond belief. "Get out of me
way!"
Not until you clean the mess off my boot sir.
"Ow 'bout I cut you up instead?" He snarled at me with a face that
looked like something piked at North of Thera after a few days. He then
brought out a rather large menacing dirk and pointed it at me. "You
don't know whom 'ur messin' wiff do you?"
"And who might you be sir?" I scoffed arrogantly.
"I be Jack!" He looked smugly at me as if I should know him and be
frightened or something. "Haaar haaar haaar!"

I left Jack ripped up next to the twisted boy in the gutter.

I was really starting to hate this city. Then suddenly out of the alley
two rather smart gentlemen approached me. One was tall and a slightly
stringy looking man wearing strange hat and an odd shaped pipe in his
hand. The other man scuttled along next to the taller fellow with a
magnifying glass and a trench coat.

"Scuze me sir!" The tall man shouted to me. "Could I have a moment of
your time?"
"I suppose so." This was going to be a long night. "What is it you
want?"
"Nothing really my good man." He puffed pompously on his pipe. "Just a
mere word of congratulations."
"For what?" I quizzically looked at him, and noticed that the smaller
man did so too.
"We have been trying to track those two scoundrels for months." Again he
puffed. "You saved us a lot of time."
"Delightful!" I tried to match his obnoxious tone.
"Yes it is. I noticed the manner in which you twisted that poor boy was
the trait of a monk. Your vice-like grip on the lad's jugular tells me
it was by the hands of a Xorani. The way Jack's hand is bent at that
strange angle could only suggest that somebody your height and weight
could have done it." I was falling asleep at this stage. He seemed to
amuse himself with his blabbering. "Added to that you made no effort to
clean the bile off you shoes which trail back all the way to the
corpses."
"By Jove!" the smaller man gasped. "How do you do it Mister Hones?"
"Alchemy my dear Wattsun!" He walked off. "Alchemy!" I could not help
but notice that this Mister Hones breath, honed with skullcap. So much
for a being a great detective.

I turned around to face the market but found myself facing a rather
peculiar man. Dressed in a mink coat, gold chains as thick as my arm on
his neck, I strange hat with one hundred feathers, boots that came up to
his crotch. He smiled at me and I was shocked. The man's teeth were all
gold.

"Wassup?"
I looked up.
"You in need of some after action satisfaction my friend?" He spoke in a
husky whisper.
What do you mean sir?
"My main man, don't be callin me sir." He posed in front of me and
started lighting a cigar that was bigger and my left thigh. "I am the
doctor!"
"Doctor of what?" I looked him up and down.
"I am Dr Jekall man, know what I'm sayin?" He did a strange dance in
front of my which made me think the floor was on fire. "I am the groove
contraption, I got the moves to equip your shoes."
"Good gods man, talk Aetolian!" I was starting to get a tad aggravated.
"Dood!" I ignored the strange word. "You want pill? I got pills. You
want acid? I got acid. You want herb more potent that the cactus, I got
herb..know what I'm saying?"
"No thank you Doctor." I understood what he wanted from me. "Drugs are
bad and stuff, my father always told me that." I never told him that
Chrono was the perfect example of someone who was to frequent with
drugs. A good example to stay away from them.Come on man, I gotta family
to support. Know what I'm saying ho?
No I don't, now I have to leave!
He grabbed me and thrust a flick dirk to my ribs. "Now, gimmie your
goods, before a slice and dice you!"
I gave Doctor Jekall a good hydeing. How could his personality just
suddenly change like that?


I moved on and finally I came to a shop that looked interesting. A huge
grey parrot wad perched on a signboard that read, "Twilight Unlimited!"
I walked in and was amazed. Every single weapon in the realm was on
display. Every sword of every shape and length, axes, hammers, halberds,
pikes, spears everything. They all gleamed at me proudly.

"Saige is not going to want a weapon." I muttered to myself.
"Check the secret section friend." A friendly unseen voice said to me.
"I looked around and could only guess that the parrot must have said
that.;"How do I do that?";"Oh gods you are stupid!" The parrot flapped
onto a strange lever and the whole rack flipped around. "There you go,
now gimmie a cracker!";"No, go away you overgrown talking pigeon.";
As the rack circled it displayed a whole new array of new interesting
selection of weapons. There was a whip with a fluffy cotton bit on the
end and a complimentary bottle of "Beaten Cows milk and Strawberries". A
huge selection of various chains, bondage accessories, ropes and wrist
cuffs with an "Anti chafe ointment". Rajamalan muzzles, Troll smell
repellents, horkval exoskeleton, protection leathers and a grook
anti-slime suit. Leashes and harnesses, hound collars and a suspending
apparatus.;
I was frightened, yet strangely aroused.;
The owner of this shop had some really strange fetishes. I took a moment
to gather my breath. Then I was very shocked as another section opened
up with an arrangement of strange clamping devises and pegs and clips of
some sort. Magically electro charged plugs and an instrument that looked
like something you use to suck the milk out of goats. On a separate
stand on its own was a petrifying elongated device, it was made from
steel and brass and welded to it were rivets of rubber and sponge. It
seemed to rotate and wiggle with every move I made.;
Needless to say these horrors made me sprint out of the shop for some
fresh air. I began to panic. Never in my life did I think Ashtan was so
dark and terrifying. I sat shivering in the rain. I have faced dragons,
vampires, Ogres, Beasts and other monsters but I have never been so
scared in my life as I was that night in that shop. I took several
moments to breath and gain my composure and I eventually gained the
strength to continue.;
I found the same old parrot, this time he was perched on a sign that
read, "Ashtan Co-operative". I walked inside thinking this would be a
more respectable shop. I heard this shop was more of the honored shops,
ranging the needs and requirement for everyone. Fair enough Gracie's
shop had every herb, every vial, coffins, mortal hearts, venoms and
every item any guild could need.;
A friendly voice echoed in my head. "Look in the private
collection!";"How do I do that?";The parrot flapped onto a lever and
flicked it down.;"Ah!";
Three secret doors swung round and revealed a strange new array of
selections. I began to investigate. There were many interesting new
vials. On each vial there was a label with a squint grook face and the
name "Wing Ling's nice Things", Tiger balm, jelly wax, opium cream,
ecstasy lotion, baby oil and Polyargos bath soaps. The next shelf had a
neatly presented selection of books with very well done drawings. I read
the very interesting titles
Naughty Nymphs, Tied-up-Tso'laa, Horkval Hookers, Kinky Kelki, Playtroll
and a book with Atavian girls
dressed in skimpy gear acting like vampires. My innocence and nave
perspective on life was stolen when I opened one of these books. I ran
outside again and started crying like a girl.

I eventually found the strength to continue walking. Everything was a
daze and I was feeling weak. I shot round a corner and I was attacked
again. This time I was attacked by something incredibly hideous.
Something more repulsive than Ansury's reply posts, something more
grotesque than Aden's humor and something more rotten than a Vampire
after sun tanning in Ulangi.

It was a prostitute.

Now there is nothing wrong with selling your body, but at least try and
make your body more attractive. This woman had more spots on her than a
leopard. She had more moles on her face than in the Sirrocians and the
only things holding her green teeth in place were the tiny flaps of
rotting skin called gums.

"Allo andsome!" She spluttered. "Fancy a Rumble in the bush do ya?"
"No Thanks!" I sprinted off.

----Actual occurrence -----

"Allo andsome!" She spluttered. "Fancy a Rumble in the bush do ya?"
"Sure" I said. "But if anyone finds out I will kill you!"
Alrighty then luvie!

----End of actual occurrence----

So apart from being fined and enemied from Ashtan from killing a drunk
and two shady characters. Apart from catching a deadly STD and crabs.
Apart from losing my manhood and all I hold true. I was scarred for
life. The images I saw in Ashtan would scar me for life.

I did find Saige a present though. In the deepest part of Ashtan I found
another shop. It used to belong to Brin and was a highly sought after
shop. I have known Brin for a long time, and many of you think I can't
stand her, but I actually worship her in a strange way. She is a very
attractive Mhun with perhaps one of the finest bums in Aetolia, she is
far out of my boredom league. (I still have the picture stuck on my
Study wall). I knew she has taste so I knew I would find something
special in her shop.

The widest range of lingerie I have ever seen. Skimpy lace numbers,
silky nighties, satin panties with bunny tails on , a devil horn head
piece with matching trident, a rajawoman catsuit, a sailor boys suit
(which puzzled me somewhat), a maid uniform, frilly bras and tight
bikini's.

So if you see Saige again take a look, and say it looks nice. What ever
you do please do not tell her about the Prozzie altercation she would
have my head piked. All the way down the highway.

Sayber - The one who thought he was the meaning of sexiness.

May a huge flame warm your hearts.

Penned by my hand on the 7th of Arios, in the year 110 MA.