The meaning of sexiness.
All right, so I might get into a little bit of trouble for this post. I
never usually post on public channel because I never have anything
serious to contribute. However I recently heard about an election coming
up for most public figures in Aetolia. More specifically the sexiest
people in Aetolia.

Now, this is serious that is why I must tell you my campaign.

I am a simple man, with simple means and simple understanding. Humble
and solemn, meek and sincere, I do not boast to be intelligent. I am not
witty nor am I sly. You must understand however that I am the sexiest
being in all of Sapience.

Whilst I have been in the realm I have experienced three races. Now in
my form of Xoran I still possess traits of my former races, the more
appealing aspects of them. Allow me to illiterate.

I have huge abdominal muscles. A brick wall basically. Many can only
claim a six-pack, but the Gods blessed trolls and I possess a
seven-pack. May all the races bow down and praise me. I walk with the
grace of a house-trained ragamala, yet steadfast and harder to move than
a dead elephant. My chiseled body was carved from granite, and polished
to glow in the ebony radiance of Xorani scale.

My legs are built from steel, they stand tall and proud like the redwood
trees of Ithmia. Except my legs do not have so many termite holes. My
arms are so powerful they can take down a Dragon in one blow. Not only
from the brute strength they possess, but from the sheer overwhelming
lusty smell of my underarm hairs as well. Which I humbly boast have a
registered, eighteen species of lice. Two species of ticks, fourteen
species of mite, and a resent discovery of crab, never thought to exist
in the realms before.

I have the most refreshing and infectious smile. I am very charming, my
devilish eyes are angelic. That is of course if you knew I was actually
smiling through these huge tusks and if you could see my eyes from under
my sloping forehead. Speaking about my head, my head is so hard that
when I head butt a stone pillar, the pillar comes off second best. Well,
at least I think so, I soon forget after the second hit.

My hair is so masculine that many females swoon when I pass them on the
highway. I wonder what they would think if I told them that my
dreadlocks are made from ten percent hair and ninety percent puke,
excrement, urine, puss, Umghlanga fungus and spring jasmine?

Dont hate me because I am so delicious people, please, dont.

Enough about me, more about YOU people. What do YOU people think about
me?

I just cant seem to understand one thing. I am so sexy, yet I cant seem
to find a companion. Is it because the females find my godliness
intimidating? I must urge them that I will not bite them if they try
simple pleasant conversation and pleasantries. If they do want me to
bite them I will of course, but I have never brushed my teeth in epochs.
I want to reassure them that because I am so attractive it does not mean
that I will not associate with lesser humanoids. Do not curse me because
I am perfect. Well not that perfect, I still have a slight spastication
in my left bum check that forces it to occasionally twitch
involuntarily.

Do not ignore me because I am so God-like. I heard the Gods themselves
say they wish to make me God of everything sexy, charismatic, beautiful,
handsome, gorgeous and snails. Well... actually that is a flat out lie,
but I know they are thinking about doing it.

Nevertheless I urge you women to talk to me, an occasional, Hello there,
Sayber! will do fine.
You dont actually have to say, Sayber I would like to bed you!

I am a trans telepathist. I can already read your thoughts.

I no longer want to hear any of you running away screaming and gagging,
that joke is no longer funny. That jest is dying out. I almost thought
you people were sincere the other day. I walked into the Crystal Leaf
Inn and one of the ladies went into convulsions and before her life left
her she said, Sayber get out you freak, you confounded retardation of
nature, may the Gods damn you to the rings of hell you rotting pile
Aetolian filth!

That really hurt people, that really did, I know she never meant it but
you cant say stuff like that, I may be a huge hulking mass of hard core
hunk, but I am a sensitive being. Inside this battle machine, there is a
soft sensitive heart.

Enough about you people, more about me

I have mastered the way of the Rajamala, speed and agility never before
seen. I could lick my own testicles at one stage. I have mastered the
power and strength of the Troll smell. I am a Xoran, a skin shedding,
eyeball licking, tongue whipping, scaly lizard. It is now time for me to
take another turn in the exploring the races of Aetolia. I must now
become a Human

Why vote for me?

I will soon become a human in my final stage of metamorphosis. As we all
know humans are the most repulsive beings in all of Aetolia. They have
soft pink skin, they have dopey looking eyes, they smell like flowers,
they are small, pitiful and they have patches of hair in ridiculous
places. I could not possibly even imagine what is would be like to live
as a human. They are more repulsive than Atavians and Tsolaa.

This is why I must ask the gods to change my Xoran being. Why the
transformation? Why the need to abandon my sexiness? Why condemn my
troll/raja/xoran godliness? It will be the ultimate sacrifice a soul
could make. You people must understand that there are more valuable
things in life than sex appeal. Like, stuff like hrm, there are more
valuable things like, hrm. I do not know but there is something out
there more important than dominating Aetolia with my attractive soul.

My contenders

Xanithe has some sexual appeal I must confess being an imp and all. I
can see why woman are attracted to his small stubby digits, his
bloodshot eyes, his overwhelming putrid musky smell is rather attractive
too. However that ghast that follows around ruins his flavour.
Ikne, I suppose could also be considered sexy. Any being in sapience
that looks like something a dog vomited up is in the top ten of Aetolias
sexy beings.
Brin is rather sexy as well, I mean I cant even determine what sex he
actually is. But we all know he is male and his personality is drier
than the inside of a dead hyenas bum that has been rotting in the sun
for a few months.
Koujin is a dwarf and yes, he has elements that are magnetic, like the
stale beer smell than has stained his armor, perhaps it is beard that
has not been cleaned in fifty years I dont know. Nevertheless he comes
up to my kneecap and cant really be considered.
Kayne is up there too, he is a troll and has bigger breasts than most
females I have come across.
Murad is rather electric with his delightful refreshing tongue that can
recite every profanity, curse and swear word in the realm. We have all
seen Murad when he totally loses it and starts doing incredibly stupid
stuff. He is possibly my nemesis in the sexometer.
Mephiston, hrm, perhaps I do not even know what race he is, most of his
skin is rotting and hanging off his face. Woman must lust for him like I
do for my grandmothers recipe of roasted stirge eggs fermented in snail
slime, served with a topping of bog hound puss and flecks of orc wart.

Nevertheless before I turn into a hideous human with smooth skin and
nicely proportion bones, I beseech you to vote for me. My heart will
rest easy knowing that at one time in my life I was beautiful. Gorgeous
and Magnificent.

So please vote for Sayber.


Oh by the way if you vote for Saige as the most beautiful woman in the
realm I will give you some of my grandmothers spider-eye muffins
sprinkled with ankeg mucus. You will love it.

Penned by my hand on the 24th of Slyphian, in the year 104 MA.