I once was in Omeis Order. I was there for the entire reign of a great
Emperor. Okay, so it was Artdox and it lasted about half a day.
Nevertheless, I could not handle the dreams she gave me so I quit. Ever
since then she has plagued me with dreams of my father.

---- You close your eyes, curl up in a ball, and fall asleep.----

My father Chrono came to me in a dream. He was naked holding his massive
Saerac sword, his wrinkled thingy was dangling near my face. He was
obviously drunk.

"Son, you must find some Order in your life."

"You telling me this? wear some underpants before getting serious with
me."

---- You open your eyes and yawn mightily.----


It was a year of incredible suffering and torture. Razor, the bastard,
forced me into the Aalen and locked me some Tsolaan prison. Koron had
forged a ball and chain to bind to my ankles, but because he is a dwarf
he made them so small that it had to chain it to my big toe.

I was left in a Redwood Forest with no food, no drink and no XXX books.
It was insufferable. I suppose I could have eaten their miserable excuse
for food, but it was revolting. These fairy people called this food,
"froot and vedgitabols". I could have also drunk their idea of drink but
it was made from, berries and seeds for crying out loud! They named this
drink of theirs, "joose". It was awful so Gods damn awful. I cried every
night.

Just as a side note I would like to clarify that the rumours going
around are lies. I am not a eunuch. I would never jeopardise my Divine
instrument of womanly persuasion.

+++ By Divine edit we are forced to reveal the actual occurrence:
The Saerac find Saybers past to be rather disreputable, destructive and
treacherous. Thus the only way to adjust this problem was to remove his
member so that he would stop thinking with this particular organ. This
will force him to start exercising the proper organ. So, his manhood was
removed, by a psychopathic, women named Saige. +++

---- You close your eyes, curl up in a ball, and fall asleep.----

Yep, old father again. But this time he had some red boots on, a red
battle helmet and a leopard-skinned thong.

"Sweet children of Varian? Father, what are you doing?"

"Never you mind what I am doing sonny boy, I am having the time of my
life."

"But father, when are you going to realise you are actually dead."

"Exactly, more women and ale here you could not even imagine but that is
not why I came here."

"What then, you come merely to irritate me?"

"Yes I mean no, I came to tell you, that you have no need to worry. You
think that you have lost something very dear to you, but it is all for
the good of humanoid kind, and for yourself, remember that,

remember that,

ember that,

that,

at."

---- You open your eyes and yawn mightily.----

Meanwhile back in the Aalen.

The mornings:
I was forced to listen to an insane sage that would sing insistently day
on day, week on week, month on month. I mean, all I wanted was a
conversation and a drink with her. What is wrong with Druids? Seriously!

The afternoons:
There was other woman, which was more hideous than, than someone really
hideous. Probably Giada maybe. She would hit on me every chance she got,
even when she was pregnant. The constant talk of adventurers and how
exciting they were almost drove me mental.

+++ By Divine edit we are forced to reveal the actual occurrence:
Mr. S. Saerac frequented this womans tree house, and on several
occasions was the person initiating this process, mortals refer to as,
hitting on. +++

The evenings:
I had to endure the constant wailing of a Gods damn Tsolaan ghost.
"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaai, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaai!" all the bloody time. She
was going on about her ex-husband. He turned undead and became a feral
vampire. To this day I dont blame the poor guy.

However, I do exaggerate. The place was not a prison, per say, nor was
it a jail. It was more like a concentration camp. I was subjected to
living with emaciated, thin, and ugly people. They called themselves The
Silvan, people of the forest. I was constantly trying to convince them
that there was a life out there, to go into the cities and find
something called civilisation. Each time I did this I was whipped and
forced to hug trees.

I had to dwell in their termite-infested Tree House City. I had to learn
their backward ways, read their tombs, dance and chant in the moonlight
nights. They sing in this weird way, like Kiyotan. I had to wear a bib
from all the saliva that was spitting out. So incredibly tormenting.

It broke me.

It took away my entire monkish masculinity, it took away all my Xorani
sexiness. It took away everything. I could not do forms and I was forced
to read books. Books, without pictures. Just words! Imagine that?

Then, in the ultimate act of cruelty Ishuri came in and gave me a
crystal. He never told me what it was for, he said dont break it. So I
broke it. Ishuri was so jealous of my sexiness that he cursed me. The
crystal transformed me into one of the cursed tree hugging bastards. I
had become, yes, I am so ashamed, I became frail, weak and ugly. No
woman would ever look at me again.

The Legend of the Sass Seducer was dead.

So I planned my escape.

Well you all know that I am no longer a martial artist, but I am still a
fine artist, a con artist and a tattoo artist. All of which were needed
to be successful, escape artist. Oh man I am so good with these words,
somebody stop me. No? Okay then. In order to escape this jail I had to
combine all my talents, apart from the seducing women talent of course.

That Razor-tongued bastard, took away my armour, my vials, my gold, my
herbs, he took everything. However, the fool left me with a few inks,
and a pair of Belakais panties. To this day, I wonder how he got them.
Each time I tried to throw the damned thong away it came back,
mysteriously. However, it had a hidden power. You will see.

Each morning the guard would come in and give me some bloody froot, well
it wasnt bloody, but you know what I mean. I had to fool the guard. I
had to trick the Aalen rangers too. Then I had to make my way through
the Vashnar mountain range without being slain by lions. I needed to
avoid the highway as much as I could to get to Spinesreach. I had to
seek the temple magi. From the books I read, none of them really care
about each other. So I knew I would be insignificant in their guild. I
could hide there until I knew what to do.

So I had enough ink to draw a chameleon tattoo. Which enabled me to look
like any being in Sapience, temporarily. Fortunately I am a good actor,
so I just had to mimic the people mannerisms and everything would be
great.

TOUCH CHAMELEON FESTE

The warden came in.

"It is time for your food Prisonerrrrr WHERE IS SAYBER? How did you get
in here? What is going on?" I walked around the prison cell in my
shapers panties calmly. Waggling my hips like a twenty gold coin whore.
Not that I would know how much they cost of course.

+++ Divine edit: He does know. +++

"I know nothing, deal vis it, no?" I had to talk in a sultry.

"Well what crawled up you rear and died? Hold scent of Llies your
panties smell like Aborashs armpits and they dont even fit you
properly."

"Anysing sat touches my toosh vil die, sept of course if sis person is,
you know, very innocent and easy to manipulate. Like Piri Hoh hoh. "

I had to act as manly as possible and speak in a terrible accent for
this to work but if I kept the warden in long enough, for the panty
powers to work.

It worked.

He started to scratch.

"I er, need to go. Stay here by Gods womanwhat in The Sacred
Forest?!?!?!"

"Wot?" I blinked my eyes, tilted me head and jerked my ass to one side
dismissively.

"Did you get these confounded crabs from Sayber."

I winked.

He left, leaving the cell door wide open.

I had to make it passed another set of guards to escape the Palace. I to
I had to disguise myself as someone really limp, passive, apathetic and
annoying. I ran down the tree house out of the palace and into the
forest, but, just as I thought I was free a ranger came up to me.

TOUCH CHAMELEON HADORYU

"What is your business here?"

"Oh, me?" I blinked. "Nothing, I am just admiring the flora and fauna of
this beautiful place. The Gods really did do a great job. They are so
powerful and so Divine, how much I love them so? I wish I could just
kiss one. I wish I could slave myself to one and do anything they bid,
because they are so great and I love them so."

"Have you hit your head against something?"

"No, I always keep mind stable and clear, so that the Divine would look
favourably upon me."

"That is great." The ranger notched an arrow. "Could you leave please?"

"Maybe I can get to see a Divine, and they can see how subservient and
submissive I am. They will be so pleased, they will take me to the
garden, put their faith in me and make love to me?"

"By the growth of Llies!" He pulled back the arrow in this bow. "YOU
MUST LEAVE THIS PLACE NOW!!"

I plucked a daisy and smelt it, I rubbed my backside on a tree and then
made my eyes roll back in divine bliss.

"I am calling upon the forest to destroy you."

I skipped away, humming softly, petting a few fluffy rodent creatures on
the way and waved at all the birds.

Then I ran through the forest to the base of the mountains. I needed to
move fast, I had no protection against the lions. If I could make it
through the mountains I would be fine. I had to be like Wedric, that man
new his way around.

TOUCH CHAMLEON WEDRIC

I made it half way up the mountain, but I was starting to tire. Suddenly
the lions came. One raked me across the torso. I managed to outrun it.
Another came and ripped my ankles, I fell to the ground and another one
tried to rip at my throat. I struggled but eventually I managed to stand
and run. I had made it.

Then the sheep came.

I could deal with the lions, but the sheep! The Gods damn, horny sheep!
I could not control myself, I was seriously sexually compelled to the
sheep. I had to really concentrate to get passed them. The skipped on
the rocks toward me. I had to do all I could to draw myself away and I
eventually did. It was hard, so hard.

+++ By Divine edit we are forced to reveal the actual occurrence:
Sayber Saerac had his way with four sheep. +++

Now I had to complete the hardest part. I needed to defy the Divine to
get to Spinesreach, I needed to fool them completely. I needed to become
really sneaky. I needed to be as dirty than Clio, I needed to be more
sly than a Syssin. I needed to be more manipulating than Reecillia. I
just needed to be more freaking sneakier than a really sly, slimy,
sneaky THING!

TOUCH CHAMELEON ZEPHY

but for some really strange reason I was changed into the image of
Wylliam.

Suddenly out of nowhere a really creepy, midget came out of nowhere. I
am not sure if he and or she was, I think a dwarf, or a gnome or a
mongaliod, they all look the same. A few stones came flinging at passed
my head. Why he and or she was attacking me I have no idea.

"Come ere, I wunt you! I wunt to lay mighty smack-down on joo. I am The
Mighty Kings Fist." There were only two things on Sapience that can
speak that stupid, a small Rock and Zeane.

"Insane women, please leave me alone, I am not into and smacks or fist
anything with you."

"I need to do joo, I want your heart." Another Yellowstone came wizzing
passed my head.

"You have a strange way of hitting on men."

"Joo not man, joo hubba hubba, joo shmoomzie shmoomz." A golem came
lumbering to me, it tried to lunge for me but I just managed to morph
into and eagle and flap away."

"Joo cum bak, I want cuddles."

"Sheeezus! What a bloody psychopath."

I had to stop by the Ve'kahi Castle for a quick facial from Catharina
and then I was on my way again.

TOUCH CHAMELEON KIYOTAN

Woah, being Wylliam was terrible. I needed to just be cool and shauve.
Especially when I saw my head piked everywhere along side Osais
miserable nut.

Trickery gets you nowhere. I had to be charming. I had to find someone
who was like me but I little less attractive. I couldnt draw too much
attention. Someone, who was slightly feminine but still male. I needed
to be a pretty boy with wings. I walked up the Highway like a paladin
would. So I pranced around, twirled my wrists, waggled my head then
played skipping rope with some kid.

I managed to skip from Azdun to the Shooting Star Inn without any
trouble. The Tsolaa had taught me two things, to wield a rapier and sing
songs. With a bib of course, so I was pretty confident I could pull off
Kiyotan. Every women I came across I flirted with and sang songs to.
Every man I came across I flirted with and sang songs to. Every animal I
came across I petted.

Now I hadnt had a proper drink for years, and as much as I hated the
Shooting Star I just had to get a drink.

TOUCH CHAMELEON RAVEK

I walked into the Inn, everyone went silent, everyone gawked at me, then
got up and walked straight out. Except Kikon, he was slumped on a table
between some harsh dwarvish ale mugs. He was trying to drink himself to
death. Poor guy had Ayariyh you see. Well, I got my glass of wine, not
as nice as the Toslaan Shiraz, Veriach 180, but I gulped it down and was
on my way.

Eventually I got to Spinesreach. I had a few problems with bandits, but
when they saw I had nothing the left me alone. I waked to the gates of
the Citadel. The city was and is to this day an absolutely magnificent
place. The city was a monument to the Ankryeans, a shrine to the gods.
The perfection of architecture, I stood there stunned for a few moments.
I had to be someone important to get in.

TOUCH CHAMLEON ANAT

Suddenly, I was surrounded by a gang of Syssin guards.

"Surprisingly, I was greeted with respect, and to this day I do not know
why."

"Greetingss Milady."

"Shut up, thou shalt letith thy in."

The guards looked at each other bemused.

I tapped my foot.

One of the more superior guard said, "What did sshe ssay?"

One of the younger guards replied, "I have no idea. Jusst lissten
again..."

"Ith, thou shallth nay beleth thy in, I shalth be cause thou much
pandimone."

The superior guard said to the younger one, "Sshe talkss jusst like uss.
Different dialect maybe."

To which the younger one replied, "No, I think sshe just bit her lip."

The superior guard said, "By Galleuss allow her entrance, sshe is one of
the important oness. Obviousssly retarded but that iss what happenss
when that royal vamperic blood interbreedss too often."

I went in and found myself sitting by a fire in the Winterbreeze inn.
The city was cold, but it comforted me, because of all the heat I had
from Enorian. Hehehehe.

---- You close your eyes, curl up in a ball, and fall asleep.----
My father came ot me in a dream again. This time he had some sort of lip
paint on and long eyelashes and a wig but nothing else.

"Remember this name...Sasvilya."

"Dad, why the in the mysterious ways of Nuiri, are you doing this to
me?"

"Because son, I lived in the Realms before you, I loved and fought as
you have. I know where you will be happy."

"So why must I seek Sasvilya?"

"He will point the way." He scratched his arse. "Why dont you pick up a
book sometime, Forget about Rahn his manifestation has killed you, you
need a new direction, a new life."

"Okay, first of all I do not know what you are talking about, secondly,
why is this important to me?"

"You will eventually understand, and if you do not you are a fool, you
are in this city, go to the magi and when you are ready go to the
Tundra, its thata way."

"Dad, this is such clich, father comes in dream to give son mysterious
direction."

"The cosmetics?"

"Oh, okay, that is a nice touch, I suppose it is quite original,
welldone."

Then he gave me a dragon headed staff.

"This will keep you warm, it was my fathers."

"Ooooh."

"It will replace the staff you lost."

He pointed to my crotch.

"Hehehe...

hehe...

heh...

he..."

---- You open your eyes and yawn mightily.----

When I woke there was a staff on the ground, its flame was dying. I
picked it up the staff erupted into flame.

"Excellent, this will get me into the Magi guildhall and keep me warm."

I spent a fair amount of time in the city. I stopped over at a so called
Dr. Janus Anfini to sort out a small psychological problem that had been
plaguing me as a child. Then I went straight into the Magi Guildhall. I
hid there like a refugee, but I learned what I could. I ate nothing but
scraps from whatever I could find lying around. Rather like a homeless
person, Osai comes to mind. I started to look really drawn out and weak.
You know the proper Magi-look. It was great until people started to ask
some questions, I had to go. So dressed in warm clothing I sneaked out
of the Magi Guild. However a gaunt grook stopped me.

"Where is your destination, Tsolaa?"

"Erm, I erm Dunno."

"Sayber, I have watched you since you departed the Sentaari, I have
witnessed your every step." It was Parhelion.

"Am I in trouble?"

"No, in the current situation no, I dismiss your deceitful concealing
ways. Pertaining to the near future, I would assess your situation as
rather dire." I hated when he talked like this, I couldnt understand a
thing."

"What should I do?"

"Under a scrutinized review and careful consideration, I have assessed
your ability and evaluated it. I deem it necessary for you not to depart
this guild, you may leave on one condition."

"Hrm?"

"You leave as a Magus?"

"What?" I was dumbfounded. "That would take months of study, paperwork,
research and"

"Very well, you shall stay here then. You cannot leave, the ancient
Ankyreans "

"No wait!"

"Hrm?"

"Ill do it now."

"Impossible you must have completed the Novice, Eleve and Magus
requirements."

"Well I had some time, I kinda did them."

"Permission from the relative guild heads?"

"Yep."

I did the Magus test. Parhelion made sure it took a year. Asking
questions about the solar influxes, sonic reverberation coils, prismatic
light impulses, gravitation disturbances and the rifts caused by electro
recoils. You know easy stuff like that.

"You are going to the Spiritual Plane are you not?"

"Yep."

"You going to kill yourself?"

"Yep."

"You wont be able to get back you know that?"

"Yep."

"You may go."

Then I was free, I walked towards the north of the city where the gap to
the Tundra was. I quickly rushed through the shop district passed a few
shops, a rowdy crowd and some dodgy merchants selling a whole bunch of
useless crap. Then I quickly whipped passed some prostitutes and made my
way to the back entrance leading to the snowy mountains.

+++ By Divine edit we are forced to reveal the actual occurrence:
Sayber Saerac did not whip passed these prostitutes, he tried to have
his way with the ladies but forgot that he had no wing-wong, to which
the women found really amusing. +++

Just as I got to the back gates I noticed some guards milling about.

TOUCH CHAMELEON FENRING

"YOU!!"

"Me?"

"Yes, get your filthy arse out of this city!"

"Okay, can I just get out this back entrance here?"

"Stop complaining, you leaving through the back."

"Thank you."

"Do not protest we do not want you here."

"Excellent!"

"Sick and tired of your nonsense, get out and we hope you die in the
cold."
One of the guards punched me in the face and threw me into the snow.

I eventually woke up with and incredible headache. I looked at the snow
and the suns reflection in the icy surface burned my eyes. I rubbed them
and looked up. Dourif and Daskalos were staring at me.

I was caught.

"Oh man, I got so far!"

Something was wrong, Daskalos was lying on the floor, could never really
tell if he was standing or lying down. Dourif had a really thin body,
Don't think he had eaten in a while. Then I squinted my eyes. Daskalos
had been vivisected by Xzato and Dourifs head had been piked by someone.
In the distance there was some strange giant, wolf chewing on Osais
detached head.

WIPE OFF CHAMELEON

Spinesreach is not a city where you break laws because in the end the
laws will break you. So anyway, I had to get to through the Tundra, and
I have no idea why. This was my fathers idea. Even if he was dead I had
nothing else really to do, and I had this massive staff in my hand so
something had to mean something! So I decided to trust the guy in the
yellow underwear. I started to climb the massive mountains that led to
the Tundra. I was a little frightened because that wolf was following
and eyeing me out like i

Penned by my hand on the 11th of Ios, in the year 194 MA.