Greetings, Realmies!

I'm writing to inform you all that I am dominating you with words and
ideas, and making you have hurtie feelies with my smarty meanyheadness.
WOW! FEAR ME! HAHAHAHAHA! In a pitiful attempt to compensate for an
empty existence (and a vain one to cover my fears) I'm WINNING and
WHUPIN' YER COLLECTIVE BEUTAWKSES! So THERE!

You better just be cowed and dominated and admit that *I* am Mighty Joe
Popular, the kid with the COOL SHOES, and that makes the rest of you
tiny little itty-bitty never-bugs! And you will never be as cool as me,
THON, EMPEROR OF (most of) ALL THE EVERYTHING(s)!

Just shut up and do as I say, you dirty rabid little howler monkeys!!!

Feel the love,

Your Imperial Emperor-guy, THON THE MOST VERY NEETO
(I DOAN GOT NO "ISSUES"! WADDA YA MEEN, "ISSUES"?)

Penned by my hand on the 13th of Haernos, in the year 70 MA.