Some things never change.
Let me see, the last time I was here, the Consanguine, (I guess I can
call them vampires now) ruled the land. The terrible underground city
was the most powerful in the land. There were only about three
Loonimarys in the whole of Sapience. The stars were not so fickle. There
was only one arena. The paladins actually had a few fighters. The
Sentaari were a complete and utter waste of space. I could not get from
Shallam to Ashtan without being accosted by assassins, crypt beasts and
lust-blinded women.
Wars have passed, guild masters have come and gone, more guilds have
formed, Gods I never thought existed have snuck in, more troops, more
towns and cities and much more of everything. However, this land still
lacks a soft, sensual and succulent male for the poor ladies to sink
their teeth in. Well women, you can settle right down because the love
contraption is back for your pleasure.
So where have I been all this time?
Ulangi smoking something more hectic than cactus weed. A delicate
mixture of dried out horkval dung, spliced with a touch of Grook vomit
and a tiny, tiny sprinkle of Balai's pubic lice.
Why did I leave?
Because I needed to settle down.
When?
Forty years ago. I know seems like an era ago. Well it was an era, an
era called, The Midnight Age.
Who did I go with?
A little kitten I found in the Vashnars called Poofins.
How did I get there?
ARE YOU THE FREAKING ENORIAN INQUISITION?
Give me a break and allow me to tell my story. It won't take long, only
about four hundred pages, so just hold tight.
-Pretend you are listening to gentle mandolin music-
Once upon a time in a magnificent little castle in a fluorescent city
there lived a wise and sexy lizard-beast-monk called Sayber. He was not
a happy Xoran for he had come to hate the world. He could not sleep at
night because it was so Godsdamn bright. Paradise birds never stopped
their awful yakking. His girlfriend left him. The Gods lightning bolted
him. The Daru never stopped being Daru and everyone wanted to kill him
because they hated what he said in posts
-Pretend you are listening to SAD mandolin music-
Sniffpoor old Sayber. Sweet lord Varian! I just remembered how old I am.
Anyway, allow me to get back to the hero in my storywellSayber, was
hardcore and he would not let the world get him down. So he sought help,
he had read every book on this flat piece of earth we live on and was
left thinking he was surrounded by clanging baboons. However in one book
Sayber read, told of the wisest, Grook, mystic in all history. His name
was, wait for it
his name was Kark, and he lived in Ulangi. He was the most intelligent
Kark in all the land. He was a mighty big Kark. He was a bigger Kark
than Arctin. Anyway, (let me just change my writing from third person) I
went to speak to this man. He lived in a Grook village on Ulangi.
Now for a Grook with an intelligence of 23, he talked like a Daskal..,
err an idiot. He constantly squeaked as if his throat was being yanked
by an unseen presence. He always tried to insert a useless verb at the
end of every sentence. He was a wrinkly, green and very dirty Kark.
However he did show me the light, so he was cool. I told him all my
problems and he told me to stop feeling sorry for myself. He said I
should find myself and explore myself. I told him I explore myself every
nighthe said, not that way. I said, Oh, Okay, How?
-Pretend you are now listening to mystical, slightly haunting mandolin
music-
"Sayber, moron you are!"
"Sexy moron!" I corrected.
"All the cleverest people in this world are miserable, they are. They
know all, and they know that all is messed up." He nodded if trying to
convince himself. "If you want to be happy Sayber, you must be stupid,
you must."
"Stupid?" This guy was off his toadstool. "That sounds a little crazy."
"Yes!" he made a sound that sound like a horse being stabbed in the
neck. "It is a very difficult art to be stupid, it is. Stupid people,
happy they are, because bliss is ignorance it is."
How do I be stupid?
"Ahhh!" Now he sounded like a pig being hit in a junk. "That you must
for yourself, find out, you must, for yourself... out findthat you must"
-End music here-
So the first think I did was smash my head against a rock a couple of
times. I cannot recommend this to anyone who wants to be stupid. Aside
from it being buggeringly sore, the stupid syndrome is only short term
and goldenseal can cure it. My stupidity needed to be permanent. I
needed to find the biggest blockheads in the land and copy them.
I headed straight for Enorian.
-Start music again-
On the way to the illuminating city, of endless, piercing, godsdamn
light, I was intercepted by Resiak. This is one individual that does not
know where the heck he is in life. He was an Atavian, then cut off his
wings to try be a human. He was the worst monk in guild history, so he
became a sentinel then a an all time record-breaking flake.
"Hey Resiak old buddy how are you ol pal?"
"Shut up Sayber!" He muttered back. "I have never liked you, so shut
up."
"Thats great buckaroo, so whats new?"
"I did not give you permission to say that Sayber!" He barked more
determined.
Resiak is one of those guys that sounds like a real soldier then does
something really limp and tender like hug a penguin or sniff a lily.
"All right comrade, Ill catch up with you later."
I scribbled down the first rule of being stupid.
Rule One. The Resiak Rule.
Do really girlie stuff but try sound tough.
Example
Caress your left nipple in a soft circular motion and the suddenly shout
out aggressively, "I LIKE TO EAT BARK AND LEAVES!" Then, roar a couple
of times for effect.
I marched on, happily and more determined, but like I always do I popped
into Shastaan to check on a few of my mates. Then Ruud suddenly appeared
in front of me, he looked very angry.
-Insert jolly harp music here-
"I will kill you if you bash here!" Then all his animals started
attacking me.
So I quickly licked my lips long and tenderly and screamed at him, "I
LIKE TO FONDLE THE TESTICLES OF GIANTS IN AZDUNS!" Ruud looked bemused
and ran off in a panic, I have not heard from him since.
Rule Two. The Rude Rule.
Gather some animals to hang around you and talk to them as if they are
as intelligent as you. (In this case the all the animals Ruud has, are
slightly more intelligent than him, even the lemming).
Example
I found a cub from the Vashnars and I talk to her constantly and her
name is "Her Prestigious Glory." But I call her Poofins.
Eventually I made it back to Enorian. Strutting like a wild boar with a
massive halberd up its wrong end, I went straight to the Luminary Guild
Hall. It is the most amazing guildhall in all of Sapience. It is a pure
panoramic view of majesty. Not from beauty, not from awe but because
someone managed to organize these bunch of blubbering, buffoons to place
all these bricks together to actually form a building. Its like that
time I saw some guy at the CLI training a monkey to smoke a pipe.
Daskalos came out of a room shining like a Kelkies wang.
-Insert dramatic drumming music here-
"Blaar, GET OUT SAYBER blaar blaar!"
Hey Daskalos, my name is Sayber, how are you?
"GET OUT, blaar blaar you know nothing about light and you suck blaar!
This really confused me, because the first time I met Daskalos he argued
with me as if he knew who I was, what I was, where I was from etc.
"Okay Mr Grumpy." I tapped him patronizingly on the shoulder. "I may
know a little something about light young shiny lad, I was there when
Rahn started this guild, I was there when Sahmie wrote the revelation of
fire. I was there when you but a little lustful thought in your fathers
pubic region. I was there when you were born and you made little cry
baby sounds. I was there when you discovered your ownoh wait that was
someone else, you havent found yours yet."
"I know you are but what am I?"
You are a class three idiot.
I know you are but what am I?
I dont think Her Prestigious Glory appreciates that tone Daskalos.
One thing about Luminaries, they are the most paranoid people ever.
Her Prestigious Glory? WHO THE HELL IS THAT!?! SOMETHING MUST BE DONE TO
ERADICATE HER!!!
I walked out satisfied. The Big Kark was right. Being brain dead was
like being a maggot in rhino crap. Very happy.
Rule Three. The Daskalos Rule.
Walk around as if the sun shines out of your very own arse and then when
you cant argue anything just ask, "I know you are but what am I?"
Clearly the temple of light was where there was no wisdom. I wish I was
as unwise as the Luminaries, but clearly I needed years and years of
experience. So I walked to the Daru Temple. Just walking there felt as
if my brain was being sucked out. The Daru were awesome - these guys
started the guild and immediately placed the thickest plank in all
history as their guild mistress. Then this guild mistress interbred
herself with some of her own family and produced thicker half breeds.
She then searched the realm for thickest beings and then she got them to
be her secretaries. Outside the temple Searoth and Clio stood, like the
first two pubes on a Troll youngling. Searoth now calls himself a
Fidochouthrchrcogeu, but hell always be a Thetis to me.
-Insert farm banjo music here-
"Hey zeally zealots?"
Go to hell Sayber, what do you know, you are nothing. You keep ranting
and raving and you are full of hot air. You are confusing and you are
not sexy and you are not funny and you are not clever. You are confusing
and people dont like people who confuse people because it is confusing
and it is bad to confuse, so stop confusing.
Searoth said.
"Kill!" Clio said.
"Are you confused Searoth?" I asked smiled soaking in the glory of
stupidity. These guys were the lords of stupidity. I was home at last.
"Go away Sayber, we as the Daru do not welcome those who are the likes
of you, because the likes of you are not likable. To like you is to like
a fool and fools do not like stuff so we will not like you and thus the
Daru and the full vengeance of Rahn has commanded us to not like you."
Searoth said.
"Kill!" Clio said.
"Excellent, Clio, why do you have your hand in Searoths puppet hole?" I
love saying this because it always sets him off in a frenzy of
incomprehensible gibberish.";"Thy have offended me Sayber, you have
caused me to be wrathful. Thus we, as the Daru following the very word
of Rahn (Clio) and all of the chaos of light must unleash all hell upon
thee. Because thou are bad and thee are confusing and I really do not
know what I am saying so I SHALL SHOUT LOUD AND TRY AND TALK SO MUCH
CRAP THAT YOU WILL bE BORED AND WALK AWAY AND I WILL THINK I AM CLEVERER
THAN I ACTUALLY AM BECAUSE A STONE HAS MORE BRAIN ACTIVITY THAT I
ACTUALLY DO!.";"KILL." Clio said.;"I know you are Searoth but what am
I?" I said.;Searoth's face turned red and he spoke so fast that his
brain stopped even trying to keep up. "Sayber you are like confuse so
Rhan will like you to not confuse and fool is not to like so we wrathful
up you and CLIO STOP TOUCHING MY BUM and all vengeance is liked upon
thee confusing I WISH ROSALIND WAS HERE SO I CAN CRY fool Sayber you are
thou liked light wrath Daru like confuse fire light Rahn!";
Rule Four. The Clio Rule.;Do nothing, say nothing and just stick around
forever like an apathetic ape with a tendency to place your hand up
other men's .puppet holes.;
Rule Five. The Searoth Rule.;Whenever you get into a fight respond back
to the person in incomprehensible blabber. Mix up your sentences, and
try to think about nothing as long as you can.;
I was in a happy place, I finally knew the path to enlightenment, or
lack thereof. I returned to the Almighty Kark and told him.;
"Ahh Sayber you see, think leads to learning, learning leads to
knowledge, knowledge leads to enlightenment, and enlightenment leads to
wisdom, wisdom leads to misery." Then he made a sound like a pelican
regurgitating a half-chewed fish.;"Thank you, you are truly not
wise.";"Stay in Enorian for many of them are stupid and have been
blinded by light they have. Once when the world was overcome with
darkness the wise ones complained they did, and look what happened. So
shut up you must, balance you must seek."

-Pretend that the music is getting very drawn out and emotional-

So I stayed on that island since training in the ancient art of idiocy.
So I have found the secret to life. If you want to be happy, be stupid.
Shut up, lay low and smoke lots of cactus weed because it makes you
dumb. I am ready to face the world again as a professional retard. Just
understand I mean no harm, I will keep to myself and scribble a few
drawings. Just leave me in my world of dumbness.

Penned by my hand on the 11th of Lleian, in the year 159 MA.